Family Makes Room
We live amongst a society of planners, and when something doesn’t go as planned or outside of what we’ve already decided a certain time is for, it can upend things for us. Sometimes we aren’t just making a plan; we’re judging what’s good.
What happens when you’re working on something or trying to accomplish something, and your child needs your attention? Someone you love is standing in front of you, asking for something you didn’t plan to give.
What’s actually good in this scenario?
We live in a world that has gotten incredibly good at giving us what we want, when we want it. And that’s not necessarily bad, it’s just efficient. “This isn’t what I wanted” isn’t the same as “This isn’t good.”
Family, friendship, church – real relationship eventually puts something in front of me that we didn’t choose.
What happens when you’re working on something or trying to accomplish something, and your child needs your attention? Someone you love is standing in front of you, asking for something you didn’t plan to give.
What’s actually good in this scenario?
We live in a world that has gotten incredibly good at giving us what we want, when we want it. And that’s not necessarily bad, it’s just efficient. “This isn’t what I wanted” isn’t the same as “This isn’t good.”
Family, friendship, church – real relationship eventually puts something in front of me that we didn’t choose.
So, who gets to define what’s good?
Preferences, a plan, or someone else? Having preferences isn’t a problem, the problem is what happens when we give our preference authority. We try to define what is good according to our preference.
I want to decide what’s good for myself.
Adam and Eve looked at what God had said and decided there was another way to determine what was good – what looked good to them.
And thousands of years later, we don’t need a tree in a garden to do the same thing. Real relationship eventually puts something in front of us that we didn’t choose. That’s where the ancient temptation shows up in a very ordinary way – with you.
If you’re going to love each other sincerely and be a family, you have to ask, “Do I get to define what’s good based on my preference or something else?”
Love Knows What Is Good
Romans 12
9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.
Paul says your love for each other needs to be sincere, and if it’s going to be sincere, it needs to be able to make distinctions.
And thousands of years later, we don’t need a tree in a garden to do the same thing. Real relationship eventually puts something in front of us that we didn’t choose. That’s where the ancient temptation shows up in a very ordinary way – with you.
If you’re going to love each other sincerely and be a family, you have to ask, “Do I get to define what’s good based on my preference or something else?”
Love Knows What Is Good
Romans 12
9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.
Paul says your love for each other needs to be sincere, and if it’s going to be sincere, it needs to be able to make distinctions.
Something can be good and still not be what I wanted.
Our preferences can’t be the category between good and evil. Great. So, what’s good?
What I Have
Romans 12
10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
What I Have
Romans 12
10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
Sincere love moves something of mine towards you.
Something God has placed in my hands becomes available to you for your good. Showing sincere love doesn’t mean you have limitless availability – it means you have Spirit-shaped availability.
Paul isn’t saying that every need you see is now your responsibility. The question becomes, “Jesus, is there something You’ve given me that You want to move toward this person?”
That’s Spirit-shaped availability. Can something of mind move toward you?
What I Feel
Then Paul takes it another step. Because it’s one thing to move toward people, it’s another to let what’s happening to those people affect you. He’s going to ask you to start feeling something.
Romans 12
14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
Your life doesn’t just happen near mine, what happens to you matters to me. Verse 15 sounds easy – rejoice with those who rejoice. What if what they’re celebrating is the thing you’ve been praying for?
Their prayers are answered, but yours aren’t. And now we have a choice, because remember that our preference doesn’t define the good. Sincere love lets me call your good, good – even when I wish it were mine.
Romans 12
15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
If entering into others’ joy with them isn’t about us, then entering into their pain isn’t about us either.
Paul isn’t saying that every need you see is now your responsibility. The question becomes, “Jesus, is there something You’ve given me that You want to move toward this person?”
That’s Spirit-shaped availability. Can something of mind move toward you?
What I Feel
Then Paul takes it another step. Because it’s one thing to move toward people, it’s another to let what’s happening to those people affect you. He’s going to ask you to start feeling something.
Romans 12
14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
Your life doesn’t just happen near mine, what happens to you matters to me. Verse 15 sounds easy – rejoice with those who rejoice. What if what they’re celebrating is the thing you’ve been praying for?
Their prayers are answered, but yours aren’t. And now we have a choice, because remember that our preference doesn’t define the good. Sincere love lets me call your good, good – even when I wish it were mine.
Romans 12
15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
If entering into others’ joy with them isn’t about us, then entering into their pain isn’t about us either.
Mourning with you means I’m willing to enter pain I could have avoided.
What hurts you matters to me. Not because I can fix it. Not because I have the right words. Sometimes the good is simply refusing to let you hurt alone.
Romans 12
16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
Your life doesn’t have to be the same as mine for it to matter to me. So don’t be proud, don’t be conceited. Your joy can be yours – I can rejoice. Your pain can be yours – and I can mourn. That’s harmony.
How I Respond
Romans 12
17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Everything is good, then somebody talks or hurts you.
Forgiveness and access are not the same. But remember that even when you need distance from someone, you still have to decide what gets to shape you. The command is: don’t let what they did determine who you become.
Romans 12
17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.
Paul brings us back to where he started.
Romans 12
9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.
We’re being told not to let our preferences define what’s good or let somebody else’s evil define what is good either. The moment we repay evil with evil, their evil has determined our next move. So, it goes from being your preference to their evil that determines what’s “good.”
Romans 12
16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
Your life doesn’t have to be the same as mine for it to matter to me. So don’t be proud, don’t be conceited. Your joy can be yours – I can rejoice. Your pain can be yours – and I can mourn. That’s harmony.
How I Respond
Romans 12
17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Everything is good, then somebody talks or hurts you.
- Sincere love doesn’t mean giving everybody unlimited access to you.
- Sincere love doesn’t mean you don’t have boundaries.
- Sincere love doesn’t mean reconciliation is always immediately possible.
Forgiveness and access are not the same. But remember that even when you need distance from someone, you still have to decide what gets to shape you. The command is: don’t let what they did determine who you become.
Romans 12
17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.
Paul brings us back to where he started.
Romans 12
9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.
We’re being told not to let our preferences define what’s good or let somebody else’s evil define what is good either. The moment we repay evil with evil, their evil has determined our next move. So, it goes from being your preference to their evil that determines what’s “good.”
Others’ evil doesn’t get to decide your good.
Now, how is that possible?
Romans 12
19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.
Paul doesn’t say it doesn’t matter or that we should get over it. He’s not saying justice doesn’t matter. He’s saying that justice isn’t ours to hang out. However, this isn’t about revenge.
Romans 12
20 On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Paul starts by saying, “Cling to what is good.” Then he ends with, “Overcome evil with good.”
That’s not accidental. The whole passage is about learning to choose the good. When the good costs something, you have to choose the good. When the good costs you something, you have to feel the good. When someone puts evil in front of us, you have to choose the good and not give in to the evil.
Sometimes the good asks something of what we have. Sometimes it’s what we feel, and sometimes choosing the good is how we respond. But underneath this entire passage is one question:
Am I willing to let God decide what is good, even when the good isn’t what you would’ve chosen? Before you decide what happens, ask yourself:
Romans 12
19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.
Paul doesn’t say it doesn’t matter or that we should get over it. He’s not saying justice doesn’t matter. He’s saying that justice isn’t ours to hang out. However, this isn’t about revenge.
Romans 12
20 On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Paul starts by saying, “Cling to what is good.” Then he ends with, “Overcome evil with good.”
That’s not accidental. The whole passage is about learning to choose the good. When the good costs something, you have to choose the good. When the good costs you something, you have to feel the good. When someone puts evil in front of us, you have to choose the good and not give in to the evil.
Sometimes the good asks something of what we have. Sometimes it’s what we feel, and sometimes choosing the good is how we respond. But underneath this entire passage is one question:
Am I willing to let God decide what is good, even when the good isn’t what you would’ve chosen? Before you decide what happens, ask yourself:
“Jesus, what is good here?”
My preference doesn’t get the final word, Jesus does. So it’s about making room for one person.
Don’t try to fix everybody. Just make room for one person. And when making room costs you something, when it’s inconvenient, when it wasn’t what you planned, when you feel that resistance in you – that’s the moment.
And when you ask Jesus what is good here, He’ll show you, so make room for it.
Don’t try to fix everybody. Just make room for one person. And when making room costs you something, when it’s inconvenient, when it wasn’t what you planned, when you feel that resistance in you – that’s the moment.
And when you ask Jesus what is good here, He’ll show you, so make room for it.
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